Kate: anong feeling?

Babang: eto laging nakangiti!

February 18, 2010!
Bago pa man nagsimula ang raw na ito, maraming beses na akong nagpabalik-balik sa adoration chapel para magdasal. Magdasal para sa aking pamilya, sa SFC, sa trabaho at higit sa lahat para sa isang malaking desisyong aking gagawin. Sampung araw ang bago ang araw na ito, sinabi ko sa Dyos na manghihingi ako ng sinyales na pwede na. Marami akong hininging sinyales sa Dyos. Una, na ay kung yayayain nya akong magsimba, ibig sabihin lang non na kaya nyang talikuran ang mga kinahihiligan nyang gawa, hindi para sa akin kundi para sa sarili nya. Pangalawa, kung aabutin sya dito sa Puerto ng hanggang Feb 20.

At dumating nga siya! At habang nandito sya umiigting ng umiigting ung pakiramdam na bakit hindi ko nga ba subukan. Nagtanong ako sa mga taong malapit sa akin at kilala rin naman sya. Sabi ng isang ate, why not take the plunge? Sabi naman nong isang, naku bang seryoso talaga yn sya, subukan mo. At ang huling taong tinanong ko ay ung taong alam kong hindi sya gusto dahil alam nya ang mga gawain nito. So iniexpect ko na negative ang sasabihin nya. Pero iba! Sabi nya, "baket hindi mo itry? Panghawakan mo at pagkatiwalan sya na hindi ka lolokohin dahil mabait din naman syang tao." Hay, kung sinabi nyang hind, maaaring iba ang desisyong ginawa ko.

At eto na nga! Gabi ng Feb 18, kinausap ko sya kung seryoso sya at kung gusto nya nga talaga akong maging kasintahan. Sabi nya, oo! So sabi ko e di, cge, ok, oo na! Hahaha!

Nawala lahat ng pag-aalinlangan! Kinabukasan pagsundo nya sakin mula sa opisina, sabi nya saglit lang me puntahan lang dw kami, dinala nya ako sa simbahan at nagsimba kami. At hanggang ngaun nandito pa sya (anong petsa na ito! ika-23 na ng perero!)

Masaya ako lalo pa't gusto nyang sa bahay kami kakain ng hapunan at manonood ng TV. Masaya ako dahil noong sabihin ko sa aking pamilya, natuwa sila para sakin. Masaya ako dahil ang mga malalapit at sobrang mahal kong mga kaibigan, masaya din para sa akin. Masaya ako kapag nginingitian nila ako na para bang binibiro. Kulang na lang nga sabihing, uyyy! Masaya ako kasi nakikita kong masaya din sya!

Mahabang paglalakbay pa ang dapat suongin para sa isa pang desisyon. Masyado pang maaga para sabihing ok na ang lahat. Sa ngaun, masaya lang muna. At sinasamahan ko din ng maraming dasal. Ung masmataimtim na dasal, para sa kanya, sa kanyang pamilya, sa amin. Sana biyayaan kami ng Poon.

kaya't aking hihiramin ang dialogue ng aking amigang si ate janis...

"Welcome to my life, Albert John Paul Q. Abiog!"

always wondering... :(

i, most of the time, wonder why i am in this place, in this time, in this situation. Wondering why i have a job like this, finish that degree instead of something else. dont i deserve to be someone else? or do i deserve what i have right now?

For most of my down moments, i would always complain about the little things i have in my hands. i would always question myself, why am i satisfied with this when i can have more?

i am too afraid of the big things that is suppose to be for me that's why it is not given to me. i am not a good steward of the talents or opportunities given to me that's why it is being taken away? i often times know or guess if a good thing is coming my way. but when it is getting nearer, i get so terrified that i shhoo it away! whats the matter with me?

im so confused!

Ano na ito! Paano nga ba?

Paano nga ba tumanggap ng manliligaw? Hay, nakakalito din pala, hindi rin pala ganon kasaya lalo na kung hindi mo gusto ang isang tao, o kaya me hinahanap ka pang karakter na wala sa kanya, o kaya me ayaw ka sa kanya. At me isang taong gusto mo sana, kaya lang nag-aalangan dahil alam mong sasaktan ka nya, dahil d sya iba sa karamihan.

For the past weeks, nasa binggit ako ng pagsagot ng oo sa isang manliligaw. Pero bago ko pa man macomprehend ng husto ang mga mangyayari, back-out agad ang drama ko! At masgulo pa nang me isang taong nagbukas ng kanyang nararamdaman.

Kung hindi naman masamang magkumpara, eto na. Si JP - gud side: mabait, sweet naman, sobrang madiskarte, sa pagkakaalam ko wala namang ibang babae, thoughful din, loving sa family, lalong lalo na sa mga kapatid. Bad side: BISYO! kailangan ko pa bang isa-isahin? well, una na dun ang sugal, (sabong!) Gosh, nahirapan p akong itype un ah! at sympre ang paminsan-minsang pag-inom. Ok lang naman sakin un, kaya lang sympre kung pwede inaman sanang wag na lang... hay...

Ok! Next boylet. Si Melvin - gud side: gwapo, mabait din naman, madiskarte din, thoughtful din, walang bisyo, at me past kami (toinks!). Bad side: maraming nilalanding babae, mahilig magstir-up ng usap-usapan.

Next boylet. Si Joseph - gud side: super bait, sweet, sya ang unang lalaking nakagaanan ko ng loob, nasasabihan ng mararamdaman, walang hiya kong naibabahagi sa kanya ang aking nakaraan! bad side: BABAERO! un na!

Last. Si Paltinca! wala, scratch na sya!!!

So, sila ba ang mga taong pagpipilian ko? Maaaring kailangan ko pang magdasal ng masmarami. Naniniwala akong darating ang taong para sakin. Sabi ko sa sarili ko isang taon pa. Hindi pa naman natatapos ang isang taon, ang totoo nga nagsisimula pa lang ito. Ayokong magmadali, baka masaktan akong muli.

So ano na? Chill lang...

Di na ko nadala!

Napahamak na naman ako, kagabi! Sa pagnanais bigyan ng ikalawang pagkakataon ang taong ito na ipakita saking seryoso sya at kaya nyang panindigan ang kanyang mga pangako at mga salita, nabigo ako ng bonggang bongga!

Sa ikalawang pagkakataong iyon, sa parehong lugar, parehong oras, ngunit sa pagkakataong iyon, kami lamang dalawa. Nagsimula sa masayang kwentuhan, palitan ng opinyon, rebelasyon ng mga nakaraan. Nag-akala na naman ako na ok ang lahat, kayang-kaya! Under control! Hanggang sa umabot na naman ng dis-oras ng gabi, nag-aya na kong umuwi. Pero, bago pa ko makatanggi nalagay na naman ako sa alanganin!

Akala ko lang talaga pure ang intensyon nya. Matapos ang marubdob na halik, humugot ako ng lakas na bumitaw. Ngunit ang pinaka nagpatulala talaga sa akin ay nang sabihin nyang, "ano gusto mong ituloy natin?" Ha? Akala ko ba hindi na mauulit? Akala ko ba nagkaintindihan tayo na hindi mo ko ilalagay sa alanganing sitwasyon?

Ngunit hindi pa talaga natapos dun ang lahat! Nagtangka pa din sya. Sumubok na baka hindi ko lang naiintindihan, na natatakot lang ako nung una. HINDI ko talaga kaya! Kung yung dati nakukuha kong magkasala dahil mahal ko naman ung tao, ngaun walang lugar ang pagmamahal, purong makamundo lang, purong pagnanasa!

Kaya bago kami naghiwalay sinabi kong hindi ko na kayang pumasok sa isang relasyon na makasalanan. Ayoko na talaga! Sana wag na syang magpilit, parang awa nya na! Nagkakasala ako ng dahil sa kanya, at ganon din sya sa akin.

Ngayon, gusto ko na namang lumayo sa lugar na ito. Natatakot akong maulit ulit ung nangyari. Bakit ba ganito, nagmamadali kasi akong makahanap ng lalaking hanggad kong makasama sa araw-araw, kaya din naman napapahamak ako. Magiging alipin na naman ako ng pangyayaring iyon.

right & wrong choices

i agreed to go to this suitor of mine, one night, to the beach to meet his friends who are having a get together. before going there i hesitated because i am very lousy at meeting people, the situation makes me very uncomfortable. and so we took a long walk from the church to his house and we are having a good chat. nothing very unusual that something will happen later that night.

we reached the beach, had dinner, then we started drinking. i am very relaxed and composed that night, got a little tipsy, but not drunk! nothing can be seen except for those areas with lights on, but everything was engulfed by darkness.

but i had to go to the comfort room.... i asked him to go with me (for i could not dare ask his friends to accompany me). we are arguing on something when he started kissing me. bullshit! this was not the moment that ive been waiting for! somethings wrong! no! i have to stop him! but then it got a little farther than what i thought i could control! he became harsh, it got to the point where i could not push him away, he was over powering me.

that night, the two emotions i expected to feel wasnt there! i thought i will feel either liking it or i will feel fearful! i am dead NUMB! i could not feel anything! then i realized.... all i had were choices. CHOICES! either i will agree to what his doing with me or tell to his face that he cant have me!

he already made his choice, and he could not control it anymore. pero AKO, ako i still have 2 choices! then i started pushing him away from me, but he just kept on what he's doing, now in a more forceful way! i have to really push him hard, AWAY! and when he finally did, i was still numbed. i thought of his friends, and what they might be thinking that time, i thought about what if he's too angry that he will tell everyone about what had happened! and so i decided that i will never go out with him, never trust him, never say or speak a word with him.... NEVER!

And so its really good bye...

I cried last night and I hope that would be the last time I will cry for him. I cried my heart out while praying. The event that occurred made me reminisce the past, it opened wounds, it brought false hopes. It made me touch something I've been yearning to feel. I thought about the possibility of a third chance.

For the longest time we hadnt communicated, havent seen each other, dont have any news. Kaya nga when we were exchanging text messages I could not ignore that it felt good. Pero tama talaga sila, dapat hindi na kasi it became hard when we came to the time of saying good bye. I thought we could stay that way a little longer. It's a sin! Hanggang sa huling sandali, I set aside my peace, my freedom just to have that one moment with you.

And so when you said that its really good bye for both of us, I held back. Becasue what I really wanted to say is for us to wait for a little longer, kaya nga instead of saying a hard "yes!" I said "i guess so..." And you bid good bye, wishing that I may have a great life ahead, and as for you, that life will go on for you.

Yes, rex, I will have a great life and its all because of you! Maybe in the next life, where no religion will ever separate us. No other person will be between us. And if in the next life we will see each other, maybe will be holding each others hands forever!

And so its really good bye...

I cried last night and I hope that would be the last time I will cry for him. I cried my heart out while praying. The event that occurred made me reminisce the past, it opened wounds, it brought false hopes. It made me touch something I've been yearning to feel. I thought about the possibility of a third chance.

For the longest time we hadnt communicated, havent seen each other, dont have any news. Kaya nga when we were exchanging text messages I could not ignore that it felt good. Pero tama talaga sila, dapat hindi na kasi it became hard when we came to the time of saying good bye. I thought we could stay that way a little longer. It's a sin! Hanggang sa huling sandali, I set aside my peace, my freedom just to have that one moment with you.

And so when you said that its really good bye for both of us, I held back. Becasue what I really wanted to say is for us to wait for a little longer, kaya nga instead of saying a hard "yes!" I said "i guess so..." And you bid good bye, wishing that I may have a great life ahead, and as for you, that life will go on for you.

Yes, rex, I will have a great life and its all because of you! Maybe in the next life, where no religion will ever separate us. No other person will be between us. And if in the next life we will see each other, maybe will be holding each others hands forever!